No one warned me about healing. No one prepared me or my mind or my family for HEALING! No one said, "Ok, this first year is for your battle, then after the battle the second year is for your body, mind and soul to heal" and sometimes it's just as hard if not harder then year one! So prepare! Remember, there is no timeline and no right/wrong. Some days are great and others aren't so great. You've been through a whirlwind of pain and trauma and it will take some time to "bounce back". All I heard was "....I'm trying to get used to the "new me", but it's tough!" from other women. I didn't understand what the "new you" or "new ME" even meant during the battle. My only focus was to WIN!!! And I did!!!! I fought! I prayed! I WON!!!!! So why didn't it feel as good as I thought it would? Where was the confetti and champagne? Where was the music? The smiles and celebrations? The pain can go now....I'm done! No really, I'm done....this pain can go now. It's going to go, right? Does it every go? Hello? Anyone? Anyone there?
2014 was emotional in more ways then one. Everyday I thanked the Lord for saving me, but I had questions too? Why? Why go through all that and not be able to go back to work? My job needs me, wants me and they offered me a great offer....but I'm not HEALED! Ok, maybe another 30 days? More physical theapy? Eating clean? Praying? Yoga and stretching? Counseling? Ok, Ok, Rest...I will rest. Just tell me what to do to HEAL? Oh, there is no book on healing? Oh, let me google: "How to recover from cancer when you're diagnosed at 35 from stage 3, have surgery (left masectomy and lymph node discetion, 14 treatments of chemotherapy, and 35 radiations treatments, and I live with my parents and my husband works two jobs (on in WA and one in CA) and I have two teen age girls....and...I don't feel the same, look the same or recognize myself, but I'm ALIVE!!! Help me get used to the new me?" (click search now) This is what came up.
I guess Google doesn't know "everything"! Lol. So I turned to God, like I do in most circumstances where I feel I hit a dead end painful road and have NO one to relate or Google doesn't have answers. He said, "You will be healed." But there was no date like when my treatments ended. It's like I sometimes look the calendar and wonder, is this the day? Is this the healing day where I feel normal again? When my creative mind and my sharp memory return? Maybe I need a weave so I can feel beautiuful because I miss my hair? Maybe if I just eat better? Maybe if I just sleep 8 hours and get up at the same time everyday? Maybe if I try harder? Again. Praying God told me, "You don't have to do anything, it takes time." It's hard to swallow. I was sick over a year before cancer, a year during cancer and now healed a year and I'm just starting to see the light but it's still a long road. And don't think just because people battle a disease, life gives them passes, because it feels sorry for them. Bills still come, kids get sick, cars break down, life goes on....and the ONLY way to get through LIFE is with GOD.
I haven't always been the best example of a Christian, but what is? I can honestly say that Jesus has carried me from day one, I've never really done anything without Him. I can say that He is my number #1 and always will be. I'm not perfect and never will be, but He is my light. It will never go out and I never have to worry about Him leaving my side. He always makes a way, He makes the impossible, possible. He weeds out people that shouldn't be there, and replaces the ones who should. He always has your best interest, even when you don't understand. He uses those who you feel are suffereing, to help others. He used me many times, when I thought I was nothing but a very sick girl in bed, to encourage those around me (online and in person). I had no idea that He was going to use me more, going through storms, then when I was up and going. Because I'd get in the way...I would "do" too much! I don't leave room for Him to "do"!! Now I get it!
Through all of this my-the greatest gift is my relationship with God & it has grown and it's unbreakable. I'm not afriad to live or die. I take everyday as a gift (even if I have the flu). There is always 3 goods you can pull out of everday, regardless. My marriage is less then 2 years young, but we are stronger then most married 25years+. He's blessed me with two mini me's (Mahllie and Tasia), & we have grown amazing boys (Daniel Jr. and Brandon) and watching them grow is a daily gift. I have it all. Sometimes I still feel broken, but in my heart, I know I have it all. We don't have all the "things" and "status" and "money" as most in this world, but we have each other. We have a family that loves the Lord, and loves each other, and it feels complete. We both have very large families (both our parents are alive and well) we sisters, kids, we have cousins, and aunties and I'm SO blessed my Grandpa Facchini is still with us!! I'm married to a man that is loyal and loves me for me. We have a special bond that is very rare and I cherish him. We have it all. We have love, and love heals.
I haven't updated in a while...life got so crazy it felt like I didn't have much to say "positive" but I think healing takes a break from talking or writing or posting and truly gives energy to what is needed. Keep fighting, Keep praying, keep Winning! That is not just for cancer or people battling, it's for life. It's a life MOTTO!! Fight. Pray. Win! God put that in my head the same day I was diagnosed and it truly has motivated me each day, to not give up. To keep going even when you feel you can not. To keep your mind strong. Phil 4:13 I can do ALL things through CHRIST who strengthens ME! That's the only way.....truly.
As we get ready to celebrate Christmas, I want to wish everyone out there, a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Praying for good health, joy, love and healing in 2015! I just have a feeling it is going to be a year of blessings! I love you all <3
XO
Nicole
