Laying in bed watching Love & Basketball while my toes dry (painted them orange to match my fingernails). I keep painting them over and over because my nails are turning black from Chemo:( There are so many crazy side effects!! It's amazing God gives my body the strength to endure the poison of Chemotherapy killing cancer cells. Overall I'm doing quite well...and I'm so grateful.
On Monday, 7/1 I will have my last of the BIG round, of chemo!! Then Tuesday, 7/2 is my last injection (to increase blood count). I'm so happy because that really makes my legs and body ache bad. I will then wait a few weeks to start my weekly phase 2 of chemo (12 weeks)...should end by October (seems a long way out) but at least I'm going through these treatments during summer when the sun shines and it's gorgeous. I think it would be hard to start treatments in the winter when it's all cold and rainy. My birthday is July 16th so that week I'm going to take OFF! Mycle Wastman is performing that week in Seattle (free concert) during lunch by Westlake that my mom is going to take me too! I just love hearing him perform.
I'm so happy to be engaged to a wonderful man, Daniel Carter Jr.! He got down on one knee today and asked me to marry him. He said come here (I was laying down on bed) so I sat up and pushed myself over to him...he got down on one knee and said, "You know I love you right?" I said,"Yes, I do and I love you"...then he said, "Will you marry me?" I said, "YES!!!!!!!" of course I'm so in love with him he just completes me. We are planning a wedding for 10.10.14 on the beach in Hawaii (with receptions to follow-one in WA and one in CA due to the fact we have such large families living in both places). I want to get married on 10.10 because Daniel is my number 1, my ACE, my best friend and he's my 10/10 so it's a perfect day!!!
It's always been my dream to get married on the beach:) White linen flowing in the sunshine...beautiful blue water and warm breeze. My kids in their all white holding tropical bouquets and my mom/dad/my sister Crystal and bro in law Eric/Plus his family smiling standing with us. Simple. Less is More. Then we can all have a few days to snorkel and body surf all enjoying each other-then we can fly to another island for our honeymoon and just relax. Life is so good. Even today, I can dream. I dream about being healthy and enjoying my married life...and family. Having BBQ's and get together at our new home. Our family dog(s). Just that unconditional love & light enjoying our girls and raising them right.
It seems I'm always awake at 2am every since I had surgery. I'm not sure why but it could be the meds. I have to set my alarm to take my meds around the clock so I don't get sick. But my pain level never really goes below a 5 on a scale of 1-10, so its hard to sleep long periods of time. I'm still in physical therapy- which hurts, but it helps in the long run...I need my full range of motion back from my lymph nodes being removed. I never thought "numb" meant "pain". When the surgeon's were telling me what to expect they would use the word numbness. It means PAIN! lol. I'm working through it and I'm getting better each day...just takes time. I will be very happy when my pain level goes down. All these medications are hard on my body.
I love all the support I get! I can't thank you all enough- it's like each day God sends someone to encourage me in some way and it works! I never go a day without someone encouraging me. I love it! The Fight. Pray. WIN! is a true movement and I pray it continues so I can encourage others battling a disease. I'm working on getting trademark & non-profit paperwork going with the help of some amazing ladies. I know God put me here in this place for a reason. I have a purpose in life to get the victory of the people (my name means Nicole: Victory of the People) so I know my testimony will save lives and souls. My testimony will help people that don't have much support and give them hope. I pray daily for God's strength and he never fails me. Since day one I've had peace. Regardless of all the pain and tears, my peace is strong. I thank Him for my peace. I know he will heal my body and cure me of cancer! I have the FAITH! I thank him for prayer...I'm in my bible so much and praying so much-it truly helps me.
Never take your health or life for granted! Take time to enjoy the beauty of this world God gives us. Take time to look at flowers and appreciate them. Take time to hug your kids and/or parents and tell them you love them. This hurtle in my life has really taught me to lean on God 100% and to love harder and live!!! I love flowers people bring me and cards they send. It's all so loving and needed. He sends the sunshine to warm me and he provides excellent doctor's that call to just check on me to see how I'm feeling. He provides money that I don't have a way of making...always right on time. He never fails me. Thank you Jesus for my life, for my family and for never leaving my side:)
XO
Nicole
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Thursday, June 13, 2013
What's the 411 hun?
It's been a while since I've given a TRUE update. Here's a quick one:)
How am I doing? Where are you at in treatment? Is there anything you NEED? Let's just say no matter what I give all Glory to God each day for bringing me through. It's not easy. No matter how strong I look behind this Internet, in person or writing this...God is my strength 100% and I couldn't do a day of this without him carrying me through.
1. Chemotherapy
One word: Sucks. I'm half way through the "hard part" so they say....
How am I doing? Where are you at in treatment? Is there anything you NEED? Let's just say no matter what I give all Glory to God each day for bringing me through. It's not easy. No matter how strong I look behind this Internet, in person or writing this...God is my strength 100% and I couldn't do a day of this without him carrying me through.
1. Chemotherapy
One word: Sucks. I'm half way through the "hard part" so they say....
Phase one: Adriamycin + Cytoxan every two weeks for 4 treatments
(after each treatment I will return the following day, to get an injection to help increase my white blood cells count) I've done 2 treatments (PRAISE THE LORD) and have my next scheduled for 6/17 at 9:45am followed by the injection on 6/18 11am...PRAY FOR ME!! These are extremely hard for me to take. I'm very weak and feel horrible during this week of treatment, so I need all the prayers going up :) Thank you!
Phase Two: Taxol weekly for 12 weeks They say my hair will start to grow back during this phase and that it won't cause me to be quite as nausea. There is chance of my hands & feet becoming tingly or numb, so pray this doesn't happen.
2. Physical Therapy
I attend Summit Physical Therapy twice a week with Maggy to work on range of motion for my left arm. Surgery- removing 14 lymph nodes has left me with a very painful arm that doesn't have much range of motion. I need this to be 100% by the time I have radiation which is after chemo. Maggy is awesome, she really helps my self esteem and works with me to get my range back. I do massage therapy and then stretch to see where my numbers are at each time. Then, I work with an assistant on a variety of stretches and exercise that help me improve. This helps my pain level and stiffness.
3. Radiation
This comes later...after chemo I will get 4 weeks off to heal before I start 35 radiation sessions. My prayers for this would be to not get lymphoma, which can happen since I had lymph nodes removed. It would cause my arm to swell. I pray that I don't have or will ever get signs of lymphoma. AMEN!!
4. Overall health
I'm doing well considering everything I'm going through physically. I have minor side effects from chemo (being nausea- but controlling it with great meds- runny nose and eyes (common from chemo) my eyes are sensitive to light, dizzy at times, & very fatigue. My white blood count gets extremely low after the first week so I'm mostly in the house...I don't take many trips out (I hate the car anyways-makes me feel sick and dizzy) unless I really need to for appointment or something small. I'm eating okay and always drinking lots of water and tea:) My hair is falling out daily and it kind of hurts...I would shave it but due to infections I'm not going to use the clippers. My spirits are good...especially today since I finally feel better. But I've never had to go to hospital or be in hospital during chemo, no fevers, no severe side effects.
I do cry a lot even though I don't like too...sometimes it's all I can express. Maybe all the years of "not" crying are being let out. I pray and read the Bible daily...I pray for others (I have a huge prayer wall). I've met some really good friends online and in person over the last month that are true angels. Cameron and Emily are a few to name...both check on me regularly and are the most positive people, they really help me daily. God works in mysterious ways...I'm thankful for everyone that makes me smile rep'n Fight! Pray! Win! in some way. I think I get at least one a day and it's so inspires me.
5. My Mom
She is my light. I don't know what I would do without her unconditional love and patience. She's always checking on me and making sure that I'm okay. She makes me laugh when I need too, and cry when she prays for me. She will drop everything and hold my hand...if I'm doing bad. She gives rides to all my appointments, waits no matter how long, & never complains and is always positive trying to help. She helps not just me, but my girls. Get to and from school (we are so happy is OUT) and doing other things to keep them busy and happy. She's the best grandma they could ask for! I love my mom dearly and I'm so thankful for her each second of the day.
6. Donations
I'm so thankful for everything I get...God knows exactly what is needed and seems to provide. You can pass the website for ordering T-shirts & bands (or order one yourself) lol. Here's the links you can pass around if you feel lead too. God really is providing everything! Tanks tops coming soon for summer (saving Hoodie's for fall) and another new band coming soon!!!
Website: www.fightpraywin.com
Donations: http://www.gofundme.com/fightpraywin
7. I'm in love with Daniel & you never know....I might just be married sooner then later.
Until next time,
XO
Nicole
Lights On
It’s okay…you can turn the lights on
My body isn’t broken at the moment
I can feel my eyes aren’t gone
My back isn’t heavy and I can sit up in bed
My neck isn’t broken from that weight that’s
Been chillin’ on my head
Its okay…. you can turn the lights on
My fingers don’t’ shake and
My mouth isn’t resistant to taste
My eyes aren’t watering and my nose doesn’t drip
You can see the twinkle in my eye
Just look don’t you see it?
I can feel my stomach and it doesn’t hurt
My legs don’t feel like they are going to burst
It’s okay…. you can turn the lights on
My hair keeps coming out & I’m counting the strands
I’m wiping always each hair that takes a stand
It’s like telling me chemo is working people say
Each time I take my hand and wipe 100 away
My face is smooth and my cheeks smile in peaks
It’s okay…you can turn the lights on
My arm doesn’t’ need gauze and my throat doesn’t throb
My breathing is even better can’t you hear my air runs long?
I don’t have to say ouch, I can say I feel better instead
My body doesn’t hurt and my eyes don’t have that look of
dread
It’s okay…you can turn the lights on
God’s healed my wounds this time, praying on bended knee
He’s cradled me like I’m just 6lbs of baby
I’m getting better now from his Holy wave of healing
So it’s okay, you can turn the lights on now.
XO
12:55am (right before my 1am meds...sitting here with every light on in my room including a candle:)
Nicole
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Miracles
I've been praying for a miracle. I didn't tell anyone specifically what it was really, just between me and God. I kept telling Him that I would let everyone know it was Him performing this miracle and give ALL credit and glory to HIM! I really started to make myself believe it was going to work. I had set up a perfect miracle, why not?? After all that I'm suffering thought, just this one simple thing? Pleeeeaase??? Well...my hair was the miracle. I wanted it to grow during chemo. I thought it would stump the doctors and nurses and I wanted to see their faces as my hair got longer and not shorter.
This morning was hard because when I was getting out of my bath I was taking the towel upward on my hair and it was all coming out. Tons of little hairs everywhere. WAIT!!! My miracle...I wanted just that one thing!! Pleaaaseee!! My tears have not stopped all day. I felt like God was telling me that He's in charge not me. I understand that and respect it, I was still heartbroken. It's like you know you can ask for some special gift from your parents and they know you want it, and you know it's impossible for them to come through, but you just put it out there just in case??? Well, I put mine out there. And he reminded me of two miracles I witnessed at chemo...live miracles walking and sitting and talking with me.
Dorothy. My new friend. She's a living miracle, better than any piece of hair on my head. Her story i can't even remember it all, but let's just say the last two years have turned her world upside down and she's been told twice we wouldn't live during the night. She's a true miracle!!! We sat and chatted during our treatments. She's a stand offish type person, but I smiled and said hi anyways. She told me she had breast cancer and bone cancer. There was no way to get cured, but they were keeping the cancer from spreading into her blood. She had over 30 tumors removed from her breast. She has a pace maker. She told me before this, she worked two jobs, sometimes three and was never sick. It's hard for her to lose her Independence similar to me. Even though we are ages apart, we have the same heart and life in us that wants to move and be healthy. I gave her my bracelets "Fight. Pray. Win." and she put them both on right away. We talked and laughed as we exchanged numbers. I gave her a hard time not being able to text message and she laughed. I told her I would check on her from time to time since she was alone. He two nieces took care of her, but it's nice to have someone going through something similar as you even if it's a little different. I've already spoke to her twice over the phone and I'm a "snail mail" person if you know me. I've got a card in the mail to her already.
Sarah & Barb. As she was leaving treatment, she came up to me and asked me about my "Fight. Pray. Win." T-shirt. So I told her it was my blog and we sold shirts and bands on there regarding me fighting breast cancer. He daughter stood beside her and was holding a sweet baby (she was a nanny) and they both told be about their cancers. Both her daughter and her had cancer and her daughter at the time was very young, under 25yrs if I remember right. Anyhow she moved fast to preserve a change of having a baby and her and her husband froze embryos, so later they could try. She was actually 4 months prego when I met her!!! AMAZING!! Went through a double mastectomy, chemo, radiation and now she was prego and healthy!!! Miracle!!!! Now her mother, Barb, talking to me, standing there telling me she only here because of God's strength. The same verse on my bands...Phil 4:13. She's been diagnosed with 4 different types of cancers..she will never be "cured" I think they gave her a timeline, but I don't believe in those. God's time is God's time, so when that is what I go by. She told me that I touched her and she would be praying for me...I told her the same. Later that week, I got an email from the site:
Miracles. All around. Not "our" miracles we think up for God...real ones. Maybe I was their miracle that day...not my hair...just the presence of Jesus causing a divine intervention. God can cure ANYONE and EVERYONE- so I'm praying for a miracle for my friends now, for their health! For a CURE to cancer so they can live:)
God is Able....& he won't fail. ~ Smokie Norful
XO
Nicole
This morning was hard because when I was getting out of my bath I was taking the towel upward on my hair and it was all coming out. Tons of little hairs everywhere. WAIT!!! My miracle...I wanted just that one thing!! Pleaaaseee!! My tears have not stopped all day. I felt like God was telling me that He's in charge not me. I understand that and respect it, I was still heartbroken. It's like you know you can ask for some special gift from your parents and they know you want it, and you know it's impossible for them to come through, but you just put it out there just in case??? Well, I put mine out there. And he reminded me of two miracles I witnessed at chemo...live miracles walking and sitting and talking with me.
Dorothy. My new friend. She's a living miracle, better than any piece of hair on my head. Her story i can't even remember it all, but let's just say the last two years have turned her world upside down and she's been told twice we wouldn't live during the night. She's a true miracle!!! We sat and chatted during our treatments. She's a stand offish type person, but I smiled and said hi anyways. She told me she had breast cancer and bone cancer. There was no way to get cured, but they were keeping the cancer from spreading into her blood. She had over 30 tumors removed from her breast. She has a pace maker. She told me before this, she worked two jobs, sometimes three and was never sick. It's hard for her to lose her Independence similar to me. Even though we are ages apart, we have the same heart and life in us that wants to move and be healthy. I gave her my bracelets "Fight. Pray. Win." and she put them both on right away. We talked and laughed as we exchanged numbers. I gave her a hard time not being able to text message and she laughed. I told her I would check on her from time to time since she was alone. He two nieces took care of her, but it's nice to have someone going through something similar as you even if it's a little different. I've already spoke to her twice over the phone and I'm a "snail mail" person if you know me. I've got a card in the mail to her already.
Sarah & Barb. As she was leaving treatment, she came up to me and asked me about my "Fight. Pray. Win." T-shirt. So I told her it was my blog and we sold shirts and bands on there regarding me fighting breast cancer. He daughter stood beside her and was holding a sweet baby (she was a nanny) and they both told be about their cancers. Both her daughter and her had cancer and her daughter at the time was very young, under 25yrs if I remember right. Anyhow she moved fast to preserve a change of having a baby and her and her husband froze embryos, so later they could try. She was actually 4 months prego when I met her!!! AMAZING!! Went through a double mastectomy, chemo, radiation and now she was prego and healthy!!! Miracle!!!! Now her mother, Barb, talking to me, standing there telling me she only here because of God's strength. The same verse on my bands...Phil 4:13. She's been diagnosed with 4 different types of cancers..she will never be "cured" I think they gave her a timeline, but I don't believe in those. God's time is God's time, so when that is what I go by. She told me that I touched her and she would be praying for me...I told her the same. Later that week, I got an email from the site:
Miracles. All around. Not "our" miracles we think up for God...real ones. Maybe I was their miracle that day...not my hair...just the presence of Jesus causing a divine intervention. God can cure ANYONE and EVERYONE- so I'm praying for a miracle for my friends now, for their health! For a CURE to cancer so they can live:)
God is Able....& he won't fail. ~ Smokie Norful
XO
Nicole
Monday, June 3, 2013
Chemo-NO!
Two more days: Chemo again.
That is all that floods my head today. Chemo is in two more days. I have such a long treatment plan, it can't mess with me like this each time? Or will it? Was it so bad? Yes. It was...It was fatigue, massive nausea, stomach pains and hot sweats at day & night. It was that bad. I dread the next session. I remember pulling into an empty parking lot before, even getting on the freeway, asking Daniel for nausea medication just leaving the cancer center. Being nauseas is NOT fun at all. I remember praying in the night for other people because I was trying to get my mind off of me. I literally can cry thinking of Chemo...my Daniel won't be by my side this time, but my mom will. They are my two warriors. My top two fighters. I thank God for them both so much- He's loves me so much to bless me with both of them. They both share such a huge place in my heart.
It's not easy to have a love fighting through cancer. I know it's hard for my Daniel to see me sick in bed and have to wake me to give me medication. I know it's hard for him to hear people's opinions on how to love someone sick. I know it's got to be equally as hard to have a daughter sick, and have to hold her hand when she cries, telling her it will be okay. My mom has a such strong faith in our Jesus Christ, she leans on Him daily as she too suffers from a condition. Hives for unknown reasons. I pray for her daily to be healed in Jesus Name. There is only so much one can take. God knows how much we can handle, it's hard to realize just how much that is sometimes.
These verses are so uplifting to me at this time...I wrote this blog post out of fear and as I researched and read through my bible, I ended up encouraging myself!! See how God works!! Lol. He touched me. I'm not afraid. He gave my faith a boost and my strength in Him feels incredible right now. He just reminded me that I'm not going through this alone, and He's right there by my side helping me beat this. That nothing is impossible with God's strength (that is my message on all my bracelets people have been wearing...reminding me that He's got my back!!) And all the people wearing the bracelets, he's got their back's too:) I will lean on the Lord and not be tired or weary...that I will be renewed!!! and I will soar on wings like eagles and run and not grow weary and walk and not be faint! This is everything I needed for my next Chemo battle!! I AM ready!
XO
Nicole
• Anything is possible through the Strength of God
Philippians 4:13 NIV
I can do everything through him who gives me strength
Psalm 119:28 NIV
My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
Isaiah 40:29 NIV
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak
• God will uphold you in his right hand
Isaiah 41:10 NIV
So do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand
So do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand
Romans 5:2 King James Bible
By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.
Psalms 68:19 King James BibleBy whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.
Blessed by the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits, even the God of our salvation. Selah.
Mathew 11:29 New Living Translation
Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
• God will not give you more than you can handle
1 Corinthians 10:13 NIV
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
- Who is your source of Strength?
Psalm 18:32-34 NIV
It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
- Do not be afraid
Psalm 27:1 NIV
The Lord is my light and my salvation- whom shall i fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall I be afraid?
The Lord is my light and my salvation- whom shall i fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall I be afraid?
- Lean on God and you will not be tired
Isaiah 40:31 NIV
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on the wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on the wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint
- Love of God brings strength
Mark 12:30 NIV
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength
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