Photographer: Nicole Sima
Location: My Mom's colorful deck in the spring time, love it! 4.11.13
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Thursday, April 11, 2013
How I felt today...
Photographer: Nicole Sima
Location: Everett Clinic after Ultra Sound at 7pm on 4.10.13
Monday, April 8, 2013
Devine Help
Yesterday, I woke up & knew it was important to go to church with Daniel. His auntie, Mona, attends 2nd Baptist Church in North Everett & invited us...along with dinner at her house afterwards. So regardless of my pain, nausea, anxiety, fatigue, hot flashes, swelling, my oldest having flu with fever, & nothing comfortable to wear....I knew I needed to be in church with Daniel so we could hear the word & get prayed for.
1 Peter 5:7 was on the screen as we walked in late...Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.
Really? Did someone give the Pastor a heads up? Next verse was Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall.
What? Are you serious? You ever go to church and feel like the message was made just for you? God knew my fears,anxiety & every emotion going through me at that moment...He knew exactly what I needed to hear...confirmation that he's got my back and understands me.
The next verse was Psalm 37:5 Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass.
Bring it to pass? You mean if I trust in Him, He will help me get through the surgery, pain, chemotherapy, radiation, side effects, emotional & physical effects, all of it?
Each verse hit me deeper & deeper...and I've heard them all before, but it's crazy how when they are applied to what you're facing at that very moment, it seems they were written especially for you. Well, they really were made especially for us, because He knew we would need them.
How do I cast my fears on the Lord? How do I pray, and not worry? How do I do this? People are quick to give you an inspirational quote or a verse to comfort you during something difficult like what I'm facing...and it makes logical sense...it sounds good & it's comforting...but how do you really apply it to your life at the moment & time when you're afraid to death? When you're told you have cancer aggressively attacking you? When you can feel cancer attacking you? When you can feel it's poison & your body trying to fight it? And it hurts...and it strikes a nerve so painful that Vicodin seems to be weaker then Advil & I just have to hold my breath & pray....waiting for the nerves to relax & for the pain to subside. How do you give it over to God? Because I physically "feel" the pain. I really want too give it to the Lord, because I know this is far too much for me to handle alone. My body is weak, remember?
Sometimes you might think it's the devil- but it's God opening your eyes- to get your attention. God commands us to do the impossible, but He never intended us to bare these burrdens alone. We need God like the flowers need rain, like the fish need water, like greens need cornbread...lol..this is what the Pastor preached.He sends "Devine Help" through the Holy Spirit (Agapa Love) unconditional love.
God told me during the church service, that I don't have to "try" to do anything. That my personality wants to know what to do & that I'm very good at executing. But I'm not good at sitting still & letting someone execute for me. He wants to execute for me. I'm praying for Him to execute, but I still keep getting in the way. It's hard for me to understand how to get anything done by sitting still? But God can only work, when I am still. His ways are better then mine...faster, more efficient, & stronger!!!!
Learning to rest in Him is just really getting to know Him. Reading my Bible...praying...learning the word. Resting in Him will heal me. Resting in Him alone. It's that easy...I'm making it more complicated then it really is...God just wants this time to restore me and spend time with me. This is the "eye-opener" that I needed to see His love for me, and healing grace. When I read the word it actually takes my mind off my disease, myself, my pain...it allows me to focus on Him..and He is comforting...healing...& peaceful.
He's sending me Devine Help...exactly what I needed.
1 Peter 5:7 was on the screen as we walked in late...Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.
Really? Did someone give the Pastor a heads up? Next verse was Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall.
What? Are you serious? You ever go to church and feel like the message was made just for you? God knew my fears,anxiety & every emotion going through me at that moment...He knew exactly what I needed to hear...confirmation that he's got my back and understands me.
The next verse was Psalm 37:5 Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass.
Bring it to pass? You mean if I trust in Him, He will help me get through the surgery, pain, chemotherapy, radiation, side effects, emotional & physical effects, all of it?
Each verse hit me deeper & deeper...and I've heard them all before, but it's crazy how when they are applied to what you're facing at that very moment, it seems they were written especially for you. Well, they really were made especially for us, because He knew we would need them.
How do I cast my fears on the Lord? How do I pray, and not worry? How do I do this? People are quick to give you an inspirational quote or a verse to comfort you during something difficult like what I'm facing...and it makes logical sense...it sounds good & it's comforting...but how do you really apply it to your life at the moment & time when you're afraid to death? When you're told you have cancer aggressively attacking you? When you can feel cancer attacking you? When you can feel it's poison & your body trying to fight it? And it hurts...and it strikes a nerve so painful that Vicodin seems to be weaker then Advil & I just have to hold my breath & pray....waiting for the nerves to relax & for the pain to subside. How do you give it over to God? Because I physically "feel" the pain. I really want too give it to the Lord, because I know this is far too much for me to handle alone. My body is weak, remember?
Sometimes you might think it's the devil- but it's God opening your eyes- to get your attention. God commands us to do the impossible, but He never intended us to bare these burrdens alone. We need God like the flowers need rain, like the fish need water, like greens need cornbread...lol..this is what the Pastor preached.He sends "Devine Help" through the Holy Spirit (Agapa Love) unconditional love.
God told me during the church service, that I don't have to "try" to do anything. That my personality wants to know what to do & that I'm very good at executing. But I'm not good at sitting still & letting someone execute for me. He wants to execute for me. I'm praying for Him to execute, but I still keep getting in the way. It's hard for me to understand how to get anything done by sitting still? But God can only work, when I am still. His ways are better then mine...faster, more efficient, & stronger!!!!
Learning to rest in Him is just really getting to know Him. Reading my Bible...praying...learning the word. Resting in Him will heal me. Resting in Him alone. It's that easy...I'm making it more complicated then it really is...God just wants this time to restore me and spend time with me. This is the "eye-opener" that I needed to see His love for me, and healing grace. When I read the word it actually takes my mind off my disease, myself, my pain...it allows me to focus on Him..and He is comforting...healing...& peaceful.
He's sending me Devine Help...exactly what I needed.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Friday, April 5, 2013
Every Penny Counts
I really never thought I would be setting up my own "donations for my cure" link? It seems surreal...actually the whole week seemed like a movie. Like I was watching this girl in her 30's, find out she was diagnosed with breast cancer.
Each appointment seemed like I was the main character in the movie & they were filming us all around the cancer center. Take one, ACTION! I would be sitting there in my chair...with a blank gaze on my face (I could hear the director yell out, "That was perfect! You nailed it...all the emotion in your eyes, & how you took a long deep breath and exhaled slowly...how you fell in your chair and looked perplexed...then one single tear fell down your left cheek and Daniel wiped it away, kissing your forehead! Just perfect...that's a wrap...everyone pack up...on to the next scene!"
I emailed a very detailed list of each appointment, over this last week to my immediate family-it was VERY looooong, so here's my N-A-NUTSHELL version for you:
1. MRI showed tumor in left breast is 3x larger then ultra sound shown
2. Met with Oncologist Dr. Wang- Reviewed Chemotherapy treatments (will start 4-6 weeks after surgery in 2 phases & will last 5-6 months)
3. Met with Oncologist Dr. Little- Reviewed Radiation (will happen after Chemotherapy treatments, I will go 5 days/week for 7 weeks)
4. Met with Wellness + Nutritionist (spoke about how to get mind right for surgery + treatment plans, and what supplements to say away from, which are good to take) She gave me great resources for counseling services + YMCA + different classes + support groups offered @ the cancer center)
5. PET Scan- To rule out cancer anywhere else in my body (Got results today: NO CANCER anywhere else in my body! Thank you JESUS!! Only the areas where they knew prior.
6. Colposcopy- Biopsy of cervix (Waiting on results)
7. Waiting on BRCA test- should get results by 4/16 (praying I don't carry this gene)
I DID IT!! I made it through this week- (high fivin' myself) It was so long and mentally/emotionally draining...but I MADE IT! God gave me so much strength this week & peace. Sometimes all I could say was "Help me Jesus" and I would get a rush of courage + strength. God is good all the time.
I will be waiting to hear from surgeon as to WHEN my surgery will take place, so for now, I'm enjoying time with my kids + man + family...I'm also getting all my bills and financial in order (with the help of my AMAZING sister Crystal).
Every penny counts & from my heart...I truly appreciate anything you can give. If you can't give money, then send up prayers for me...those are priceless:)
http://www.gofundme.com/
Until next time...
XO
Nicole
Each appointment seemed like I was the main character in the movie & they were filming us all around the cancer center. Take one, ACTION! I would be sitting there in my chair...with a blank gaze on my face (I could hear the director yell out, "That was perfect! You nailed it...all the emotion in your eyes, & how you took a long deep breath and exhaled slowly...how you fell in your chair and looked perplexed...then one single tear fell down your left cheek and Daniel wiped it away, kissing your forehead! Just perfect...that's a wrap...everyone pack up...on to the next scene!"
I emailed a very detailed list of each appointment, over this last week to my immediate family-it was VERY looooong, so here's my N-A-NUTSHELL version for you:
1. MRI showed tumor in left breast is 3x larger then ultra sound shown
2. Met with Oncologist Dr. Wang- Reviewed Chemotherapy treatments (will start 4-6 weeks after surgery in 2 phases & will last 5-6 months)
3. Met with Oncologist Dr. Little- Reviewed Radiation (will happen after Chemotherapy treatments, I will go 5 days/week for 7 weeks)
4. Met with Wellness + Nutritionist (spoke about how to get mind right for surgery + treatment plans, and what supplements to say away from, which are good to take) She gave me great resources for counseling services + YMCA + different classes + support groups offered @ the cancer center)
5. PET Scan- To rule out cancer anywhere else in my body (Got results today: NO CANCER anywhere else in my body! Thank you JESUS!! Only the areas where they knew prior.
6. Colposcopy- Biopsy of cervix (Waiting on results)
7. Waiting on BRCA test- should get results by 4/16 (praying I don't carry this gene)
I DID IT!! I made it through this week- (high fivin' myself) It was so long and mentally/emotionally draining...but I MADE IT! God gave me so much strength this week & peace. Sometimes all I could say was "Help me Jesus" and I would get a rush of courage + strength. God is good all the time.
I will be waiting to hear from surgeon as to WHEN my surgery will take place, so for now, I'm enjoying time with my kids + man + family...I'm also getting all my bills and financial in order (with the help of my AMAZING sister Crystal).
Every penny counts & from my heart...I truly appreciate anything you can give. If you can't give money, then send up prayers for me...those are priceless:)
http://www.gofundme.com/
Until next time...
XO
Nicole
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Cancer?
I'm still having a hard time with the reality that I have breast cancer. I have cancer? Yes, you have breast cancer. Me? Yes, you. Me? Are you sure you didn't get my test mixed up with someone else's? Nope. You have breast cancer. Me? Yes, you. These are the continuous questions my mind keeps running on repeat. Every now & then it really hits me, and I just sit there with a blank stare. Sometimes, I have the urge to get my boxing gloves on & hit something (I would too...if I wasn't in so much pain). But...yeah...cancer? I might temporarily have it, but it's not welcome here.
I feel like someone violated my privacy. There is something very unsettling about a disease growing inside of you. It's hard to sleep at night. I want to fight it, not just mentally, but physically. I want to beat cancer repeatedly for making me sick. I want to throw it off the Columbia tower & watch it splatter on the cement for torturing me, my grandma, & everyone else in this world, with its vicious poison. I laugh in its face, because God is stronger than it & He's on my side!
It's crazy how optimistic I can be, yet at the same time, get so anxious & scared. I continue to pray for strength, for peace,for financial assistance for living & medical bills, praying for healing, for my family & kids, for my parents & the love of my life, Daniel...to give them strength & peace to help me through this....I'm ready to fight!!! Thank you Lord for providing everything I need- even before I know I needed it...the amount of love & joy I have for Daniel & my kids & parents right now is a true gift.
I'm trying to get sleep before the early bird gets the worm...tomorrow I have appointments at 10:30,1:30, and 3:30 (wellness + radiation talk + chemo talk) Yeah...I'd rather be at a Seahawks game...dressed in green & blue..yelling SEEAA-HAAWKS! Then spilling beer on my jeans after jumping up to high five the 3 white guys...as we jump up & down watching beast mode bulldoze into the end zone for the TOUCH DOWN!!!!Yeahhhhhhh SEAHAWKS!!! As the crowd cheers...cannon blows: BOOOOM! And everyone goes wild. Lol.
Cancer...you're going DOWN similar to how we killed AZ last year 58-0!
XO
Nicole
I feel like someone violated my privacy. There is something very unsettling about a disease growing inside of you. It's hard to sleep at night. I want to fight it, not just mentally, but physically. I want to beat cancer repeatedly for making me sick. I want to throw it off the Columbia tower & watch it splatter on the cement for torturing me, my grandma, & everyone else in this world, with its vicious poison. I laugh in its face, because God is stronger than it & He's on my side!
It's crazy how optimistic I can be, yet at the same time, get so anxious & scared. I continue to pray for strength, for peace,for financial assistance for living & medical bills, praying for healing, for my family & kids, for my parents & the love of my life, Daniel...to give them strength & peace to help me through this....I'm ready to fight!!! Thank you Lord for providing everything I need- even before I know I needed it...the amount of love & joy I have for Daniel & my kids & parents right now is a true gift.
I'm trying to get sleep before the early bird gets the worm...tomorrow I have appointments at 10:30,1:30, and 3:30 (wellness + radiation talk + chemo talk) Yeah...I'd rather be at a Seahawks game...dressed in green & blue..yelling SEEAA-HAAWKS! Then spilling beer on my jeans after jumping up to high five the 3 white guys...as we jump up & down watching beast mode bulldoze into the end zone for the TOUCH DOWN!!!!Yeahhhhhhh SEAHAWKS!!! As the crowd cheers...cannon blows: BOOOOM! And everyone goes wild. Lol.
Cancer...you're going DOWN similar to how we killed AZ last year 58-0!
XO
Nicole
The white cherry blossom tree
It seems like the only thing I remember the morning of 3.29 after meeting with my surgeon, was this huge, gorgeous white cherry blossom tree shining in the sunlight. As I sat in the car waiting, for my mom to run into the store, I was staring at it, while talking on the phone with Daniel...it was just standing peacefully in the middle of the sidewalk. It's was so full of life and beauty. It's the only time of year for this tree to shine! Each gorgeous white blossom took over every branch, there really was no way you could miss it. So much going on around me, this was my peace.
Oh yeah, I SEE YOU OVER THERE BEAUTIFUL! I see you all SWAG'd out over there! That's what I was saying to myself. LOL. I was talking to Daniel on the phone, and told him I would call him right back. Then, before my mom could drive away...I stopped her and said, "I have to go take a picture of that tree." Of course the creative person in me was like "...that's a great shot! You need to take a picture quick!" So I walked across the street and stood there looking up thinking WOW! The blue sky is the perfect back drop. CLICK, CLICK, CLICK! Done. I even got the sun rays- Damn I'm good:)
God gives us simple pleasures that we need to soak up. I needed that beauty right then. My mind was full, my heart was heavy, but just a simple breath of fresh air + blue sky + my white cherry blossom tree. That moment was perfect.
XO
Nicole
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