I'm still having a hard time with the reality that I have breast cancer. I have cancer? Yes, you have breast cancer. Me? Yes, you. Me? Are you sure you didn't get my test mixed up with someone else's? Nope. You have breast cancer. Me? Yes, you. These are the continuous questions my mind keeps running on repeat. Every now & then it really hits me, and I just sit there with a blank stare. Sometimes, I have the urge to get my boxing gloves on & hit something (I would too...if I wasn't in so much pain). But...yeah...cancer? I might temporarily have it, but it's not welcome here.
I feel like someone violated my privacy. There is something very unsettling about a disease growing inside of you. It's hard to sleep at night. I want to fight it, not just mentally, but physically. I want to beat cancer repeatedly for making me sick. I want to throw it off the Columbia tower & watch it splatter on the cement for torturing me, my grandma, & everyone else in this world, with its vicious poison. I laugh in its face, because God is stronger than it & He's on my side!
It's crazy how optimistic I can be, yet at the same time, get so anxious & scared. I continue to pray for strength, for peace,for financial assistance for living & medical bills, praying for healing, for my family & kids, for my parents & the love of my life, Daniel...to give them strength & peace to help me through this....I'm ready to fight!!! Thank you Lord for providing everything I need- even before I know I needed it...the amount of love & joy I have for Daniel & my kids & parents right now is a true gift.
I'm trying to get sleep before the early bird gets the worm...tomorrow I have appointments at 10:30,1:30, and 3:30 (wellness + radiation talk + chemo talk) Yeah...I'd rather be at a Seahawks game...dressed in green & blue..yelling SEEAA-HAAWKS! Then spilling beer on my jeans after jumping up to high five the 3 white guys...as we jump up & down watching beast mode bulldoze into the end zone for the TOUCH DOWN!!!!Yeahhhhhhh SEAHAWKS!!! As the crowd cheers...cannon blows: BOOOOM! And everyone goes wild. Lol.
Cancer...you're going DOWN similar to how we killed AZ last year 58-0!
XO
Nicole
Thanks for the updates - keep us posted! Know we're thinking of you. xoxo Jim R.
ReplyDeleteThank you Jim! I appreciate your support. I'm a honey badger- I will kill cobras & cancer.
ReplyDeleteThis one I like baby. Its funny how God works because we were just 2months ago watchn a football not thinkn about tryn to rekindle the relationship we once had and God had another plan for you and i. Now the love I have for u is undeniable.But the devil didnt want that to flourish so he attacked ur body thinkn that would run me off.He dosent knw that first im a child of God and second whn u love hard like I love nothing or noone can seperate us. God is in control and has ur back he gave u the Faith to"Fight" the devil, the Power to" Pray"ur way through,and the Will to "Win" in the end. I love to love u.
ReplyDeleteThank you baby! Your love gives me strength & helps me be brave. I love that God sent me an angel on earth...you! He knew we needed each other before it even made sense to us. This unconditional love is real. I feel beyond blessed to have you by my side. We will fight this together..we have too much to live for! I love our family & our life. Fight. Pray. Win. We will do that!
DeleteWell beautiful besides the army of love and support we the lewis family ,will have you in our hearts as u prepare to defete the beast within you,I met you on face book and you made me a star in my children's eyes for putting me on the cover of a magazine. lol ,besides that you always keep it positive and genuine , best believe some day on earth our paths will cross <3 from the Lewis family ;;))
ReplyDeleteI find myself thinking that too. Nic? No way...not Nic. This can't be right. But then I think in the big scheme of things, when you think of the things you have already fought your way thru and the battles you have already won, this is just another one to conquer. You see being strong is a privilege only given to the great...but with it comes the toughest challenges. Because He gave you strength He knows you will prevail. I know you know this but I hafta remind myself every now and then or I start cryin again and girl you know I'm not a cryer! Lol. Love u. FightPrayWin
ReplyDeleteNicole just know you're family, and your family in Cali is holding you down. We will continue to pray for you and with you that God will be just what we claim him to be. We claim healing
ReplyDeleteFor Hon. We are also praying that,God gives Daniel and the rest of your family strength to hold you up...you can, and you will win. Because God said we are victorious!
Alicia
Awwwwww at his letter to you!!!! :)
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