It's been a while since I've had time to update you all on my recent doctor appointments. It's so mentally draining (yet informative) at each appointment, by the time I get home, I'm exhausted. It's been an emotional roller coaster over the past month, but I still remain peaceful, resting in God's hands. I do have my moments though...where tears fall and I just let them. It helps me deal with all the anxiety and fears going through my mind. It's like rain. Rain cleans the air. Tears clean my mind.
I figure the reason I can't "wrap my head around cancer" is because it's NOT here to STAY!
I'm trying my hardest to let go of the fact that my hair will be gone within the next 4-6 weeks. It's one thing that REALLY bothers me. I don't know why we get so attached to certain things. It's not easy letting go of so many at the same time. My job. My Health. My Breasts. My Hair. My Money. My Life. I don't want to complain, because I know things could be worse, but it's hard letting go.
When people say in church to let go of yourself...or lose yourself in God...I never thought it would feel this way. I never realized how hard it is to become new in God's eyes. Is this the way He really intended me to be? Without breasts or my hair? My spirit is what He sees, not my physical being. Our physical being is just temporary house for our soul. He cares about our spiritual health. It's not easy for us to understand that...it's not easy for me. The closer I get to God, the healthier I become. Not just physically but spiritually. I think over the years, I continued to do things "my way" and because of that I got spiritually sick...which later effected me physically. This is all ways to heal me, and when it's all done...I will be STRONGER then I ever was before. I will be healthier and I will trust in the Lord to be first in my life, because He's going to save my life.
During this time, my job is to speak about his miracles and love for me. To show others around me how He is working in my life, regardless of how bad it may seem. When people see my smile, or my optimism, or my strength...I tell them it's the Lord giving me strength & peace...it's the only way to cope. I told my daughter that when He uses you, it's not always peaches-n-cream...sometimes it may be uncomfortable, very uncomfortable and sometimes even painful and scary...but in the end, it's really a honor to be chosen.
He has plan for me. He loves for me, and has already paved a gold path for me. I trust him with my life, my kids, my future husband, my family and friends. For the first time in my life...I really do have 100% faith and trust in the Lord. This is what it took for me, and I thank God for never giving up on me.
News:
1. I'm BRCA negative! AMEN! That's huge! Meaning that it decreases the chances of it spreading to my right breast (even though I'm having a bilateral mastectomy anyways) It also decreases the chance of getting ovarian cancer down to 1% (which is awesome).
I'm still going to continue genetic testing, to see if they can figure out "why" I got breast cancer in the first place? There is a panel of 14 tests (blood work) that takes 4 months to get results, they would like to test me for each. It's helpful to know if I have a syndrome that causes other cancers (to prevent further cancer) & also to be aware of what side of the family it runs in (if any) for prevention/awareness (for myself/sisters/kids). It's a costly test (around $2300 after insurance) so I'm waiting 6 months to see if it becomes "in network" so it's less out of pocket.
2. MRI: Mass is larger than what mammogram showed. Mammogram showed 1cm and MRI showed the mass much larger at 4cm.
3. PET Scan: No cancer anywhere else in body! PRAISE THE LORD!!! This was a scary test for me, because I've had pain over last year, so they were concerned. I'm very happy to know there is NOT any cancer, other then what they already know.
4. Changed to Surgeon: Dr. Perry Soriano
Date of surgery: Wednesday, April 24, 2013
I changed surgeons last Friday (for personal reasons), but it's a miracle in itself that I could change last minute. Dr. Soriano has be my grandma's surgeon during her cancer battle. He's amazing! I called Monday to ask if I could switch to him, and his awesome nurse Rachel, told me she would see what she could do.
She called me back and said he's calendar was full until 5/17 (I was like aaaah no) but then she said that after speaking to him, he had 5/8 open and I could come in Monday to meet with him. I figured okay, I'll wait an extra week, because me and my family really want him to be my surgeon. By 4:30pm on Friday Rachel called me back and said "Guess what?" I was like "What??!" She told me that there was a cancellation,which is VERY RARE and I could have surgery 4/24 as planned! I was like WOW! See how God works...He totally worked it out:)
5. Monday 4.22: Meeting with Dr. Soriano at 10am
6. Wednesday 4.24 Surgery at Providence Regional Medical Center (will stay over night)
7. Follow up with Dr. Soriano (6 days after surgery)
8. Physical Therapy 2-3 weeks after surgery
9. Chemo treatments start 4-6 weeks after surgery (depending on how I'm healing) but they never wait past 8 weeks to start.
This is so much- and I didn't even fill you in on EVERYTHING! But this is the N-A-Nutshell version:)
Praying for surgery to go with no complications, fast recovery, and healing!!! Also for my emotional state going through a surgery such as this...for my mind and heart to mend, learning to love the new me. AMEN!
XO
Nicole
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