OOOOOOOOUCH

Surgery was a success! 

Wednesday 4.24

• 9:30-10am Stopped to give kisses to Tasia & Mahllie at their schools, prior to surgery
• 10:30am Checked-in to Providence (hungry, with just I.D. + Insurance card)
• 11-12pm Pre-op going over surgery, medications, history, UA test, meeting with Surgeon, Aanesthesiologist, Nurses, etc
• 12:30pm Went in for surgery: Kisses to Daniel + lights out! 
• 4:30pm Woke up around 4'ish in my recovery room...I had plans to stay overnight) Thank you Bella for my homemade secret, Mom/Dad & Kids for being there-love you all so very much. Daniel is truly "in LOVE" with me to stay EACH night helping me every step of the way, through the tears & pain. Thank you & I love you.
• Pain Management begins: OUCH! Can't sleep- hurts too much + plus when I finally start to dozed I kept holding my breath! Whyyyyy? I don't know! 
• Then wake up > sleep > hold breath > wake up > sleep > hold breath > wake up > sleep > hold breath > wake up > sleep > hold breath > wake up > sleep > hold breath >wake up > sleep > hold breath >wake up! 

Thursday 4.25 

• OOOOOOOOUCH (The only edible food was french toast w/ bacon and apple slices- pretty much ate that for breakfast, lunch & din din the entire hospital stay). 
• Sweet nurse (can't remember her name prayed for me- soooo needed it) was hurting and in shock from surgery
• Realized I had EXACT same room my grandma had last fall to get a tumor (cancer) removed from her stomach D1034 too crazy!! 
• Still working on a pain management system to help regulate pain
• No sleep during the night continues.....

Friday 4.26

• OUUUUCH (Realized I was having a reaction from a certain medication-noticing excessive swelling, rash, which increased pain occurred-so discontinued that medication right away.)
• Still working on a pain management system to help regulate pain
• Daniel is so sweet to give me sponge bath & rub my feet with lotion:)

Saturday 4.27

• THE OUCH CONTINUES- Antibiotic via IV and several shots in my legs avoiding blood clots. I'm tired but finally was on a pain plan that allowed me to get in 5 solid hours sleep-PRAISE THE LORD! 
• Happy Birthday Rick! 
• I think I've had 4 different I.V.'s in my right arm by this day- they are doing vitals by taking my blood pressure around my ankle. 
• Thank you to my visitors: Mom/Dad, Crystal/Eric, Mahllie/Tasia, Grandma/Grandpa, Mysti, Will, Bella Boo, Melissa/Jada Bada, Gina & more. Thank you for all the text messages, emails and post on IG and Facebook:)

SUNDAY 4.28 

• After soggy french toast, and a fill-in TV Doctor S-S-S-tuttered his way through my morning check-in, my mom said we could manage all my OUCH from home! I.V. was removed & I was discharged around 5pm
• Thank you mom for helping me shower- washing my hair and getting me home:)
• Came home to Uncle Paul & Ethelyn making me a delicious soup! 
• Happy at home-bed is cozy- feels good to see all my luv bugs!  Even though my OUCH is still HIGH! 
• These drains are most annoying and I feel like they are sticking me from every direction
• My throat hurts too- anxious for this port to heal up!!

Thank you to my love Daniel that was there from day one and helped me regardless of how difficult it was for him, how painful & emotionally draining it was us both, and for always hugging me, telling me it's going to be ok. Thank you baby for staying by my side.

Praying for healing and no infections!!! Going to see Dr. Soriano on 4/30 for my follow-up. 

My Work-Out:

1. Left side: Light Shoulder rolls + hand extensions + elbow lifts will help on left side (no vigorous activity or lifting over 5lbs)

2. I'm very numb, swollen and have strange sensation under left armpit. I have a large incision that needs to stay clean/dry where cancer was removed-it's very hard for me to look at..but will get better over time.

The Port is on my right side & it's VERY sore. I'm taking antibiotics to decrease chance of it becoming infected. You can literally see the vein it's going into-so strange. Everyone at hospital said it was healing nicely- it still looks so crazy to me! lol. I will be recieving all my Chemo from this method/no I.V.

3. NO FUN, but cancer is removed! All cancer is removed! THANK YOU JESUS!

Rihanna MOM

Photographer: Nicole Sima

" Rihanna MOM" is what the kids call me:) 4.23.13

Phase 1

I can't just shave my head...It's going to be in phases. A big SHOUT OUT to my best friend Wayne, for the awesome cut:) I'm ROCKING phase 1 to the fullest:) I figure, if I have to go through chemo, I would try a style I never would have tried before. I love that Tasia's classroom is calling me Rhianna Mom now! lol. 

XO

Nicole

What's the 411?

It's been a while since I've had time to update you all on my recent doctor appointments. It's so mentally draining (yet informative) at each appointment, by the time I get home, I'm exhausted. It's been an emotional roller coaster over the past month, but I still remain peaceful, resting in God's hands. I do have my moments though...where tears fall and I just let them. It helps me deal with all the anxiety and fears going through my mind. It's like rain. Rain cleans the air. Tears clean my mind. 

I figure the reason I can't "wrap my head around cancer" is because it's NOT here to STAY! 

I'm trying my hardest to let go of the fact that my hair will be gone within the next 4-6 weeks. It's one thing that REALLY bothers me. I don't know why we get so attached to certain things. It's not easy letting go of so many at the same time. My job. My Health. My Breasts. My Hair. My Money. My Life. I don't want to complain, because I know things could be worse, but it's hard letting go. 

When people say in church to let go of yourself...or lose yourself in God...I never thought it would feel this way. I never realized how hard it is to become new in God's eyes. Is this the way He really intended me to be? Without breasts or my hair? My spirit is what He sees, not my physical being. Our physical being is just temporary house for our soul. He cares about our spiritual health. It's not easy for us to understand that...it's not easy for me. The closer I get to God, the healthier I become. Not just physically but spiritually. I think over the years, I continued to do things "my way" and because of that I got spiritually sick...which later effected me physically. This is all ways to heal me, and when it's all done...I will be STRONGER then I ever was before. I will be healthier and I will trust in the Lord to be first in my life, because He's going to save my life. 

During this time, my job is to speak about his miracles and love for me. To show others around me how He is working in my life, regardless of how bad it may seem. When people see my smile, or my optimism, or my strength...I tell them it's the Lord giving me strength & peace...it's the only way to cope. I told my daughter that when He uses you, it's not always peaches-n-cream...sometimes it may be uncomfortable, very uncomfortable and sometimes even painful and scary...but in the end, it's really a honor to be chosen. 

He has plan for me. He loves for me, and has already paved a gold path for me. I trust him with my life, my kids, my future husband, my family and friends. For the first time in my life...I really do have 100% faith and trust in the Lord. This is what it took for me, and I thank God for never giving up on me.

News:

1. I'm BRCA negative! AMEN! That's huge! Meaning that it decreases the chances of it spreading to my right breast (even though I'm having a bilateral mastectomy anyways) It also decreases the chance of getting ovarian cancer down to 1% (which is awesome). 

I'm still going to continue genetic testing, to see if they can figure out "why" I got breast cancer in the first place? There is a panel of 14 tests (blood work) that takes 4 months to get results, they would like to test me for each. It's helpful to know if I have a syndrome that causes other cancers (to prevent further cancer) & also to be aware of what side of the family it runs in (if any) for prevention/awareness (for myself/sisters/kids). It's a costly test (around $2300 after insurance) so I'm waiting 6 months to see if it becomes "in network" so it's less out of pocket.

2. MRI: Mass is larger than what mammogram showed. Mammogram showed 1cm and MRI showed the mass much larger at 4cm.

3. PET Scan: No cancer anywhere else in body! PRAISE THE LORD!!! This was a scary test for me, because I've had pain over last year, so they were concerned. I'm very happy to know there is NOT any cancer, other then what they already know.

4. Changed to Surgeon: Dr. Perry Soriano 

Date of surgery: Wednesday, April 24, 2013  

I changed surgeons last Friday (for personal reasons), but it's a miracle in itself that I could change last minute. Dr. Soriano has be my grandma's surgeon during her cancer battle. He's amazing! I called Monday to ask if I could switch to him, and his awesome nurse Rachel, told me she would see what she could do. 

She called me back and said he's calendar was full until 5/17 (I was like aaaah no) but then she said that after speaking to him, he had 5/8 open and I could come in Monday to meet with him. I figured okay, I'll wait an extra week, because me and my family really want him to be my surgeon. By 4:30pm on Friday Rachel called me back and said "Guess what?" I was like "What??!" She told me that there was a cancellation,which is VERY RARE and I could have surgery 4/24 as planned! I was like WOW! See how God works...He totally worked it out:)

5. Monday 4.22: Meeting with Dr. Soriano at 10am

6. Wednesday 4.24 Surgery at Providence Regional Medical Center (will stay over night)

7. Follow up with Dr. Soriano (6 days after surgery)

8. Physical Therapy 2-3 weeks after surgery

9. Chemo treatments start 4-6 weeks after surgery (depending on how I'm healing) but they never wait past 8 weeks to start.

This is so much- and I didn't even fill you in on EVERYTHING! But this is the N-A-Nutshell version:)

Praying for surgery to go with no complications, fast recovery, and healing!!! Also for my emotional state going through a surgery such as this...for my mind and heart to mend, learning to love the new me. AMEN!

XO

Nicole

Sunshine is GOOD medicine!

Photographer: Nicole Sima

Location: My Mom's colorful deck in the spring time, love it! 4.11.13

How I felt today...

Photographer: Nicole Sima 

Location: Everett Clinic after Ultra Sound at 7pm on 4.10.13

Devine Help

Yesterday, I woke up & knew it was important to go to church with Daniel. His auntie, Mona, attends 2nd Baptist Church in North Everett & invited us...along with dinner at her house afterwards. So regardless of my pain, nausea, anxiety, fatigue, hot flashes, swelling, my oldest having flu with fever, & nothing comfortable to wear....I knew I needed to be in church with Daniel so we could hear the word & get prayed for.

1 Peter 5:7 was on the screen as we walked in late...Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

Really? Did someone give the Pastor a heads up? Next verse was Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall.

What? Are you serious? You ever go to church and feel like the message was made just for you? God knew my fears,anxiety & every emotion going through me at that moment...He knew exactly what I needed to hear...confirmation that he's got my back and understands me.

The next verse was Psalm 37:5 Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass.

Bring it to pass? You mean if I trust in Him, He will help me get through the surgery, pain, chemotherapy, radiation, side effects, emotional & physical effects, all of it?

Each verse hit me deeper & deeper...and I've heard them all before, but it's crazy how when they are applied to what you're facing at that very moment, it seems they were written especially for you. Well, they really were made especially for us, because He knew we would need them.

How do I cast my fears on the Lord? How do I pray, and not worry? How do I do this? People are quick to give you an inspirational quote or a verse to comfort you during something difficult like what I'm facing...and it makes logical sense...it sounds good & it's comforting...but how do you really apply it to your life at the moment & time when you're afraid to death? When you're told you have cancer aggressively attacking you? When you can feel cancer attacking you? When you can feel it's poison & your body trying to fight it? And it hurts...and it strikes a nerve so painful that Vicodin seems to be weaker then Advil & I just have to hold my breath & pray....waiting for the nerves to relax & for the pain to subside. How do you give it over to God? Because I physically "feel" the pain. I really want too give it to the Lord, because I know this is far too much for me to handle alone. My body is weak, remember?  

Sometimes you might think it's the devil- but it's God opening your eyes- to get your attention. God commands us to do the impossible, but He never intended us to bare these burrdens alone. We need God like the flowers need rain, like the fish need water, like greens need cornbread...lol..this is what the Pastor preached.He sends "Devine Help" through the Holy Spirit (Agapa Love) unconditional love.

God told me during the church service, that I don't have to "try" to do anything. That my personality wants to know what to do & that I'm very good at executing. But I'm not good at sitting still & letting someone execute for me. He wants to execute for me. I'm praying for Him to execute, but I still keep getting in the way. It's hard for me to understand how to get anything done by sitting still? But God can only work, when I am still. His ways are better then mine...faster, more efficient, & stronger!!!!

Learning to rest in Him is just really getting to know Him. Reading my Bible...praying...learning the word. Resting in Him will heal me. Resting in Him alone. It's that easy...I'm making it more complicated then it really is...God just wants this time to restore me and spend time with me. This is the "eye-opener" that I needed to see His love for me, and healing grace. When I read the word it actually takes my mind off my disease, myself, my pain...it allows me to focus on Him..and He is comforting...healing...& peaceful.

He's sending me Devine Help...exactly what I needed.

SURRENDER

Every Penny Counts

I really never thought I would be setting up my own "donations for my cure" link? It seems surreal...actually the whole week seemed like a movie. Like I was watching this girl in her 30's, find out she was diagnosed with breast cancer. 

Each appointment seemed like I was the main character in the movie & they were filming us all around the cancer center. Take one, ACTION! I would be sitting there in my chair...with a blank gaze on my face (I could hear the director yell out, "That was perfect! You nailed it...all the emotion in your eyes, & how you took a long deep breath and exhaled slowly...how you fell in your chair and looked perplexed...then one single tear fell down your left cheek and Daniel wiped it away, kissing your forehead! Just perfect...that's a wrap...everyone pack up...on to the next scene!"

I emailed a very detailed list of each appointment, over this last week to my immediate family-it was VERY looooong, so here's my N-A-NUTSHELL version for you:

1. MRI showed tumor in left breast is 3x larger then ultra sound shown
2. Met with Oncologist Dr. Wang- Reviewed Chemotherapy treatments (will start 4-6 weeks after surgery in 2 phases & will last 5-6 months)
3. Met with Oncologist Dr. Little- Reviewed Radiation (will happen after Chemotherapy treatments, I will go 5 days/week for 7 weeks)
4. Met with Wellness + Nutritionist (spoke about how to get mind right for surgery + treatment plans, and what supplements to say away from, which are good to take) She gave me great resources for counseling services + YMCA + different classes + support groups offered @ the cancer center) 
5. PET Scan- To rule out cancer anywhere else in my body (Got results today: NO CANCER anywhere else in my body! Thank you JESUS!! Only the areas where they knew prior.
6. Colposcopy- Biopsy of cervix (Waiting on results)
7. Waiting on BRCA test- should get results by 4/16 (praying I don't carry this gene)

I DID IT!! I made it through this week- (high fivin' myself) It was so long and mentally/emotionally draining...but I MADE IT! God gave me so much strength this week & peace. Sometimes all I could say was "Help me Jesus" and I would get a rush of courage + strength. God is good all the time.

I will be waiting to hear from surgeon as to WHEN my surgery will take place, so for now, I'm enjoying time with my kids + man + family...I'm also getting all my bills and financial in order (with the help of my AMAZING sister Crystal).

Every penny counts & from my heart...I truly appreciate anything you can give. If you can't give money, then send up prayers for me...those are priceless:)

http://www.gofundme.com/fightpraywin

Until next time...

XO

Nicole

Cancer?

I'm still having a hard time with the reality that I have breast cancer. I have cancer? Yes, you have breast cancer. Me? Yes, you. Me? Are you sure you didn't get my test mixed up with someone else's? Nope. You have breast cancer. Me? Yes, you. These are the continuous questions my mind keeps running on repeat. Every now & then it really hits me, and I just sit there with a blank stare. Sometimes, I have the urge to get my boxing gloves on & hit something (I would too...if I wasn't in so much pain). But...yeah...cancer? I might temporarily have it, but it's not welcome here.

I feel like someone violated my privacy. There is something very unsettling about a disease growing inside of you. It's hard to sleep at night. I want to fight it, not just mentally, but physically. I want to beat cancer repeatedly for making me sick. I want to throw it off the Columbia tower & watch it splatter on the cement for torturing me, my grandma, & everyone else in this world, with its vicious poison. I laugh in its face, because God is stronger than it & He's on my side!

It's crazy how optimistic I can be, yet at the same time, get so anxious & scared. I continue to pray for strength, for peace,for financial assistance for living & medical bills, praying for healing, for my family & kids, for my parents & the love of my life, Daniel...to give them strength & peace to help me through this....I'm ready to fight!!! Thank you Lord for providing everything I need- even before I know I needed it...the amount of love & joy I have for Daniel & my kids & parents right now is a true gift. 

I'm trying to get sleep before the early bird gets the worm...tomorrow I have appointments at 10:30,1:30, and 3:30 (wellness + radiation talk + chemo talk) Yeah...I'd rather be at a Seahawks game...dressed in green & blue..yelling SEEAA-HAAWKS! Then spilling beer on my jeans after jumping up to high five the 3 white guys...as we jump up & down watching beast mode bulldoze into the end zone for the TOUCH DOWN!!!!Yeahhhhhhh SEAHAWKS!!! As the crowd cheers...cannon blows: BOOOOM! And everyone goes wild. Lol.

Cancer...you're going DOWN similar to how we killed AZ last year 58-0!

XO

Nicole 

The white cherry blossom tree

It seems like the only thing I remember the morning of 3.29 after meeting with my surgeon, was this huge, gorgeous white cherry blossom tree shining in the sunlight. As I sat in the car waiting, for my mom to run into the store, I was staring at it, while talking on the phone with Daniel...it was just standing peacefully in the middle of the sidewalk. It's was so full of life and beauty. It's the only time of year for this tree to shine! Each gorgeous white blossom took over every branch, there really was no way you could miss it. So much going on around me, this was my peace.

Oh yeah, I SEE YOU OVER THERE BEAUTIFUL! I see you all SWAG'd out over there! That's what I was saying to myself. LOL. I was talking to Daniel on the phone, and told him I would call him right back. Then, before my mom could drive away...I stopped her and said, "I have to go take a picture of that tree." Of course the creative person in me was like "...that's a great shot! You need to take a picture quick!" So I walked across the street and stood there looking up thinking WOW! The blue sky is the perfect back drop. CLICK, CLICK, CLICK! Done. I even got the sun rays- Damn I'm good:)

God gives us simple pleasures that we need to soak up. I needed that beauty right then. My mind was full, my heart was heavy, but just a simple breath of fresh air + blue sky + my white cherry blossom tree. That moment was perfect. 

XO

Nicole